Awkward things I’ll definitely do at my support group

Standard

As a young millennial who’s tried several different ways to find help for their anxiety/depression/suicidal tendencies, and has yet to find an effective and affordable solution, finding a support group has both induced relief and anxiety, because there’s not much else beyond this. This has to be it.

But what’s the worst that could happen? Instead of thinking of ways I could get in my own way in this respect, I’m mostly just worried about making a fool of myself.

I’m going to smile uncomfortably while speaking.giphy

I’m going to cry during someone else’s share and try to hide it.giphy (1)

I’m going to want to hug a stranger, but will ask first.giphy (2)

Can I bring doughnuts? Not just for myself, but for everyone.

giphy (6)

I’m going to fight feeling terrible about my pathetic story after hearing someone’s really powerful one.

giphy (3)

I’m going to be self-conscious talking about suicide with my husband in the room.giphy (4)

I’m going to want to flake out and not attend one, or multiple nights, but I’ll go anyway.giphy (5)

It’s going to be aggravating, embarrassing and painful, but no matter how much awkward or how much derp I am, it has to work.

Advertisements

More reactions to everyday sexism

Standard

I just returned from an interview as part of my job as a reporter, to which I’d decided to walk, because it was only a 10-minute walk and it’s spring. But of course, I experienced what I was raised to expect and tolerate; assholes.

In a short 10-minute walk, I experienced an entire list of things that are way too common for anyone to have asked for it.

1.When you feel like you HAVE to say hi to a guy when they say hi to you, even when they definitely aren’t making eye contact.

foff

2. When you can feel your skin crawl while some old guy who probably has children stares at you.

ew

3. When you start to question your definitely-not-come-hither outfit just because some pervert hooted at you.

lookaway

4. When you Google Maps directions to walk somewhere, and rethink going because the directions take you off heavily-trafficked streets.

shit

5. When you make the conscious decision not to make eye contact with anyone, because that may be too inviting.

mommydearest

6. When you’re walking down the street alone, in broad daylight, but still feel the need to walk  closer to another person so you aren’t singled out… again.

meangirls.gif

7. When you’re relieved to see other women.

thankgod.gif

8. When you have to clench your fist not to flip a cat caller off because you’re alone, and he’s a man.

hateyou.gif

9. When you realize part of the reason you loved this haircut was because you thought it wouldn’t attract pigs, and you were wrong.

comeon

10. When you realize the moment you get back to work/home/a familiar place that you were clenching your teeth the entire time you were outside.

stressed

6 amusing things about depression

Standard

In honor of stopping my pills and feeling semi-normal for the first time in a while, here are the things I’ve just embraced about depression, and even find somewhat amusing.

When you know you’re only getting compliments because people don’t know how else to talk to you.

awkward

When your mom says “your self esteem” in reference to your mental illness.

nope

When someone tries to talk to you while you’re working through an anxiety attack.

cry

“How are you doing?”

dunno

When someone can relate to your brain.

friends

When you finally relax and your body handles it by twitching.

cool

Actually, we don’t have to have children

Standard

“We don’t have to have children.”

My husband told me this after we’d had an argument recently. I can’t remember what brought it up, but I remember feeling a huge relief that I’d never felt before. It may have mostly been because the argument was over, and we were walking back through what went wrong and how we can avoid it in the future and apologizing to each other.

But I’m almost positive that a lot of the relief came from that single sentence – and I’d never really considered that there was tension or expectation from either one of us when it came to procreating.

Of course we’d talked about having kids – how many we wanted, how we’d discipline them, how we’d talk about the tough things like death and sex – but we’d never talked about not having kids. At least not really. Not seriously.

To a certain extent, I think there was a subconscious pang of guilt to even consider not having children when so many people wanted to experience it, but for many reasons couldn’t. So, if we were capable of making humans, why shouldn’t we? It’s like there’s this unspoken contract among able-bodied couples to raise children, personal preferences or beliefs be damned, because there are a million people out there who would kill to have your ovaries.

Trust me, if I could do an ovary transplant with someone who knows without a doubt that they want to use mine to responsibly birth and raise children, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Really. No one should be denied that if they’re fully capable and not an idiot.

My face crumpled and I looked at my husband. He wants children. He’s an amazing man who would make the best father. And here he was, honestly willing to not do any of that. Because he knows that a couple can’t be the parents a child deserves if one person isn’t all in.

So why shouldn’t I want to be a parent? My partner is supportive and we’re an amazing team. We’re both healthy and of sound mind. We don’t have much money, but tons of people with next to nothing to their name make it work.

1. I’m 24 years old. To me, that’s young. That’s really young. I can’t even rent a car. I’ve spent more of my life racking up other people’s bills than paying my own. What do I know about teaching someone to be an adult when I’m still learning what that means? And while all I need to do is look at my parents or scroll through my Facebook feed to see people younger than me doing a fantastic job at parenting, I’m not them.

2. Depression is hereditary. This, along with the fact that I’d have to stop taking depression and anxiety meds while trying to get pregnant and during pregnancy, is the toughest part. How can I possibly be the best parent my child deserves if I can’t keep my mood in check or muster enough energy to play with them or teach them something after a tough day? It would be so selfish to have a child and then not be able to take care of either of us. It would be selfish to saddle my partner with taking care of two depressed loved ones.

3. Journalism. All my fellow MMAJ majors are already like

7d7c10bc8d05b7ab8b26ccc8576302d7.371x200x14.gif

because journalism does not pay. And while all you need is love, you also need to be able to feed and clothe your child. Like, by law. The standards to which I hold myself in terms of being able to bring a child into this world include not living paycheck to paycheck, being able to give my child their own bedroom and being able to feed them more than the 4 for $4 at Wendy’s. None of those are feasible at this moment, and there’s really no relief in sight. No, money absolutely is not everything. But it is the key to a functioning toilet and electricity.

4. Because of all this, it doesn’t really matter if I want children. All logic and responsible common sense says that it’s not in the cards right now, and may never be. Wanting children shouldn’t automatically lead to having them and hoping it all works out. I want to be able to give my children everything those who can’t physically have children could give them in every other sense. So if I can’t give them those things, why should I be a parent? Also, by that logic, surrogacy is totes on the table. So there’s that.

It hurts having to consider that, no matter what we may want, we shouldn’t have kids. But I think, in a roundabout, really messed up way, that’s our way of being good parents – by not being them.

Whiplash: When you get a promotion and engaged within two weeks

Standard

So, you know how I said I was in a rut? I’m not anymore. I’m actually losing my mind with absolute happiness, because in the last two weeks, I’ve gotten a fantastic promotion after only working here for a month…

married5

… And then, the most amazing man in the whole entire world asked me to marry him, and I was like…

married3

I cannot explain how ridiculously, overwhelmingly, mind-blowingly happy I am right now. I’ve had the goofiest smile on my face for three days now, and it’s not going away anytime soon. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, this job is everything I’ve ever wanted and combined it’s better than winning the lottery.

My hope is that everyone else has at least one day in which they are so stupidly happy that people randomly catch you smiling and it makes them smile (yes, that’s happened several times to me).

And that’s all.

married6

Signs that I’ve found my “person”

Standard

 

Elf-Buddy-Im-In-Love

1. He knows how to wake me up in the morning in a way that won’t make me hate everything.

grumpy

2. We not only say the same things at the same time, but we do the exact same thing at the same time as well. We’re not proud to be this close, we’re actually pretty weirded out about it.

emo-awk3. Playing games in which we have to guess the other person’s answer is completely pointless with us, because we already know the answer 99.95% of the time.

get out4. We use inside jokes around other people and forget that they don’t get it, because we spend way too much time together.

weirdos5. We both talk to/about our dogs like they’re people, and treat them as such in and out of the public eye.

dog

6. We get equally excited about staying in bed or doing nothing all day.

let-me-sleep-for-the-love-of-god-gif7. Every adorable sitcom couple that I wanted to be like before I met him–we’re better than all of them.

jimandpamIt’s hard to put everything into words, but at least with him I don’t have to. I got really lucky that way.

 

 

Thanks, boyfriend

Standard

The past two weeks, since my boyfriend and I have moved in together, he has loved me despite the following:

1. How genuinely angry I get when something keeps me from eating at the exact time I’d planned upon learning that there was food in the vicinity. Today, he picked up Pizza Hut, and because I was expecting to eat the moment I stepped through the door, I was immediately hangry (hungry + angry) when I not only found out that I had to wash a dish to eat the pizza on (“Well, can’t we just eat it out of the box?”), but that the pizza was also too hot for me to put it on my plate with my fingers.

hangry

2. That I finish a conversation I was having in my head by asking him a question without context

(Me: Do you think Eric ever got married?

Him: Eric who?

Me:  From ‘Boy Meets World.’).

What?!

3. That I clean things despite his hatred for the smell of “bleach.” Which is really just ammonia. Which is really the way clean things smell. Which is unavoidable, unless you don’t clean.

nasty

4. That I wake up an hour-and-a-half early to get ready for work when it only takes me half-an-hour to get ready, and I spend the next hour nagging him to wake up, and he acts like he has no idea where he is.

whatyearisit

5. That I make him go on walks on the beach after Sunday night wrestling, when he’s ready to be a blob on the couch.

nope

6. That I say I’m not tired and that I don’t want to go to bed after I’ve already fallen asleep on the couch to “Golden Girls.”

no

7. That I kiss him a million times when he finally wakes up, that I tell him I love him five times before we leave for work in the morning, that I thank him about 16,890,982,543 times every day for doing this with me and being so patient and sweet. He’s everything anyone could ever want in a partner, and I am so ridiculously lucky.

loveya