We Need to Talk…



I’m leaving this institution and this state in a couple weeks, so I’m going to get several things off my chest. Are they a little dorky and borderline neurotic? Sure. But you don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, OK?

1. Do NOT show up 15 minutes late to a class that only lasts 45 minutes. Just stay home and pretend you have respect for the professor. I realize you’re simply late to class, and not a fascist dictator, so you shouldn’t be chastised. But actually, you should. What would your mother say? I want to record you strolling in and looking at people like, “What?” and email it to your mother with the subject “LOOK WHAT THEY DID.”


2. Do your work! Just do it! Don’t come to a class (probably late) in which¬†you have to turn in work, or contribute in some manner, and say, “I didn’t do it” when asked to ante up. You are a grown-ass person who’s made it–SOMEHOW–to college. Just do your work, and then it’ll be done, and then you will no longer be an idiot.


3. When someone holds the door open for you, say thank you! In this country, it’s considered polite to hold a door open for someone behind you, and the polite response to such an act is bleeping gratitude. Don’t just look at the person who waited for your ass to mosey over to the door as if it was their duty to God and their country to hold the door open specifically for you. Jerk.


4. Be nice to the lady making your food. Seriously. The attitudes I see toward the people in charge of feeding college students who should know better is embarrassing. Use “yes ma’am,” “no ma’am,” “yes, please,” “no, thank you” and just plain “thank you” throughout that entire interaction, or so help me God, I will lose it. You deserve every long black hair or missing piece of your order you get.


5. DO NOT go on a social networking rant if you cannot use proper grammar. I mean it. If you don’t know how to use there/their/they’re, to/too, effect/affect, commas or punctuation, just keep to yourself and let the big kids take care of things. You must have thought you were a real cool S.O.B. in school with your faux-hawk, frosted tips or racist clothing brand, but in this day and age the nerds are in charge, and you’re just a dummy with too much gel in his hair and incorrect¬†tattoos.

I’m done.