Awkward things I’ll definitely do at my support group

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As a young millennial who’s tried several different ways to find help for their anxiety/depression/suicidal tendencies, and has yet to find an effective and affordable solution, finding a support group has both induced relief and anxiety, because there’s not much else beyond this. This has to be it.

But what’s the worst that could happen? Instead of thinking of ways I could get in my own way in this respect, I’m mostly just worried about making a fool of myself.

I’m going to smile uncomfortably while speaking.giphy

I’m going to cry during someone else’s share and try to hide it.giphy (1)

I’m going to want to hug a stranger, but will ask first.giphy (2)

Can I bring doughnuts? Not just for myself, but for everyone.

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I’m going to fight feeling terrible about my pathetic story after hearing someone’s really powerful one.

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I’m going to be self-conscious talking about suicide with my husband in the room.giphy (4)

I’m going to want to flake out and not attend one, or multiple nights, but I’ll go anyway.giphy (5)

It’s going to be aggravating, embarrassing and painful, but no matter how much awkward or how much derp I am, it has to work.

More reactions to everyday sexism

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I just returned from an interview as part of my job as a reporter, to which I’d decided to walk, because it was only a 10-minute walk and it’s spring. But of course, I experienced what I was raised to expect and tolerate; assholes.

In a short 10-minute walk, I experienced an entire list of things that are way too common for anyone to have asked for it.

1.When you feel like you HAVE to say hi to a guy when they say hi to you, even when they definitely aren’t making eye contact.

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2. When you can feel your skin crawl while some old guy who probably has children stares at you.

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3. When you start to question your definitely-not-come-hither outfit just because some pervert hooted at you.

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4. When you Google Maps directions to walk somewhere, and rethink going because the directions take you off heavily-trafficked streets.

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5. When you make the conscious decision not to make eye contact with anyone, because that may be too inviting.

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6. When you’re walking down the street alone, in broad daylight, but still feel the need to walk  closer to another person so you aren’t singled out… again.

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7. When you’re relieved to see other women.

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8. When you have to clench your fist not to flip a cat caller off because you’re alone, and he’s a man.

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9. When you realize part of the reason you loved this haircut was because you thought it wouldn’t attract pigs, and you were wrong.

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10. When you realize the moment you get back to work/home/a familiar place that you were clenching your teeth the entire time you were outside.

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6 amusing things about depression

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In honor of stopping my pills and feeling semi-normal for the first time in a while, here are the things I’ve just embraced about depression, and even find somewhat amusing.

When you know you’re only getting compliments because people don’t know how else to talk to you.

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When your mom says “your self esteem” in reference to your mental illness.

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When someone tries to talk to you while you’re working through an anxiety attack.

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“How are you doing?”

dunno

When someone can relate to your brain.

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When you finally relax and your body handles it by twitching.

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Whiplash: When you get a promotion and engaged within two weeks

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So, you know how I said I was in a rut? I’m not anymore. I’m actually losing my mind with absolute happiness, because in the last two weeks, I’ve gotten a fantastic promotion after only working here for a month…

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… And then, the most amazing man in the whole entire world asked me to marry him, and I was like…

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I cannot explain how ridiculously, overwhelmingly, mind-blowingly happy I am right now. I’ve had the goofiest smile on my face for three days now, and it’s not going away anytime soon. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, this job is everything I’ve ever wanted and combined it’s better than winning the lottery.

My hope is that everyone else has at least one day in which they are so stupidly happy that people randomly catch you smiling and it makes them smile (yes, that’s happened several times to me).

And that’s all.

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I want to work at my new job until I die

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I always found it interesting that the human mind and body can adjust to almost anything to make it seem normal and routine. And I didn’t realize that, even though I actively looked for different jobs, my mind, body and expectations were beginning to accept the conditions of my last job as normal.

They weren’t.

The conditions of my last job didn’t make me feel valuable or appreciated, and resulted in me not taking care of or valuing myself. But here, at my new position, I feel not only valued, but respected, appreciated and included as well.

Obviously, this makes me happy. Like, I’m coming in several hours before my shift starts next week to participate in the holiday party. I’m that happy here.

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I’m so excited to work here that I’ve started wearing makeup and doing my hair again. And, as bad as it sounds, primping myself for 30 minutes each morning has boosted my self-esteem, and even though I haven’t lost any weight, I feel better all over, too.

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And everyone is so nice here! It’s probably my favorite thing about being back in Pa, to be treated like a human, and not like a stink bug. It was so weird to realize I’d actually come to expect to be treated like a stink bug by random people, that coming back here and being treated nicely felt awkward.

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People were even nice when on my first day I brought in this concoction (it sounds gross, but it was oddly good) of mushrooms, mashed potatoes, salmon and corn, which stunk up the break room. I genuinely was not deserving of such kind forgiveness.

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But anywho, I’m going to stay here until I die, so when I do that, I’ll be happy.

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Thanks, boyfriend

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The past two weeks, since my boyfriend and I have moved in together, he has loved me despite the following:

1. How genuinely angry I get when something keeps me from eating at the exact time I’d planned upon learning that there was food in the vicinity. Today, he picked up Pizza Hut, and because I was expecting to eat the moment I stepped through the door, I was immediately hangry (hungry + angry) when I not only found out that I had to wash a dish to eat the pizza on (“Well, can’t we just eat it out of the box?”), but that the pizza was also too hot for me to put it on my plate with my fingers.

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2. That I finish a conversation I was having in my head by asking him a question without context

(Me: Do you think Eric ever got married?

Him: Eric who?

Me:  From ‘Boy Meets World.’).

What?!

3. That I clean things despite his hatred for the smell of “bleach.” Which is really just ammonia. Which is really the way clean things smell. Which is unavoidable, unless you don’t clean.

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4. That I wake up an hour-and-a-half early to get ready for work when it only takes me half-an-hour to get ready, and I spend the next hour nagging him to wake up, and he acts like he has no idea where he is.

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5. That I make him go on walks on the beach after Sunday night wrestling, when he’s ready to be a blob on the couch.

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6. That I say I’m not tired and that I don’t want to go to bed after I’ve already fallen asleep on the couch to “Golden Girls.”

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7. That I kiss him a million times when he finally wakes up, that I tell him I love him five times before we leave for work in the morning, that I thank him about 16,890,982,543 times every day for doing this with me and being so patient and sweet. He’s everything anyone could ever want in a partner, and I am so ridiculously lucky.

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Things I’ve learned since becoming a real person

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I’ve been a full-time, working resident of a tiny Oregon beach town for a little over a week now and there are some glaring side effects of moving across the country and starting a job that I noticed/have to handle more maturely.

1. Here, the speed limit is the absolute limit. In Pennsylvania, going five or ten over the speed limit is usually safe. But people here are terrified of reaching the speed limit, which makes for an interesting commute in the morning. And guess what. It’s only going to get SLOWER once the tourists begin arriving in the summer.

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2. There is never enough money, but even more so when you just carted your life across the country and your first paycheck isn’t coming for a month. Dinner around here is turning into a Donner party situation. My boyfriend’s mother is sending us boxes of elbow macaroni. Boxes. Plural. She’s shipping, literally, oodles of noodles 2,600 miles to feed us.

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3. The three-hour time difference has seriously impaired my partying abilities. One glass of wine and an episode of “Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?” and I’m out by 8:30.

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4. Finals are absolutely nothing compared to a newspaper deadline. Finals never had me running room to room and then back to the original room because my boss is trying to intercom me in every single room of the building just as I leave it. Finals never put me in charge of proof-reading, editing, proof-reading and editing again and then sending to print 30 pages that a county will rely on for their week’s news. Also, I never really cared about my finals grades as much as I cared about the suggestions my boss sends me the day after we print and half of them are things I need to do differently. Finals never made me want to crawl under a rock and die.

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You’d think with all this that I’m unhappy, but this is what I’ve been waiting for all my life. I like that I’m doing what I always wanted and that it’s driving me crazy. I like that I live in a town that’s forcing me to dial back my road rage. I love that I’m exhausted every night because that means I’m doing something worth while. But the best part of all of it is that I get to do all of this with someone who’s going through the same thing, and I love.

I just have to remember that the next time I’m stuck behind a school bus going 20 in a 45.

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