Bridget Jones once said, “I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway; with or without a fireman’s pole.”
And while I am fully aware of better literature out in the world, I’ve never been able to find a more fitting quote for my life.
This is mainly because my life has a built-in system of making sure I don’t get anywhere without realizing it’s probably a miracle I got there alive. And when I say “get anywhere,” I don’t mean simply traveling, but accomplishing things in life as well.
Oh, sure, you might say. I trip over my own feet, too, sometimes. Sometimes I’ll dribble a little bit of food on my chin when trying to eat quietly in the office as well.
That’s cute. That’s the first 30 minutes of my morning alone, and I normally don’t consume food until lunch. So what does that tell you?
I’m that person who doesn’t realize she shouldn’t have put her wool skirt through the dryer until she’s trying to hide under her desk the fact that she’s stapling her slip together so it doesn’t show.
I’m that person who chokes a little bit on her coffee, and ends up snotting everywhere.
You trip sometimes? Several times a day, I put on a production similar to a newborn giraffe biffing it for the first time. You can’t count on Old Faithful the way you can count on me eating the sidewalk.
Hardly a day goes by in which I wouldn’t prefer to use one of those talking keyboards instead of subjecting everyone I interact with to my mush-mouth. I just want one day where my mouth doesn’t work faster than my brain, and something intelligible – not funny or witty, just understandable – comes out.
I’d like to keep it together for just one day, so that my fiance can see me as this super smooth, mysterious lady, instead of sending me texts like, “Were you in a hurry today? Clothes next to the toilet. Toilet not flushed.” And all I can respond with in hopes that he’ll somehow still find me attractive is, “I swear I’m not an animal.”
If the rest of the world can just realize how truly blessed they are to be in control of their life and body, it’d make me feel so much better when I’m just trying to get in my pants without falling over.