Awkward things I’ll definitely do at my support group

Standard

As a young millennial who’s tried several different ways to find help for their anxiety/depression/suicidal tendencies, and has yet to find an effective and affordable solution, finding a support group has both induced relief and anxiety, because there’s not much else beyond this. This has to be it.

But what’s the worst that could happen? Instead of thinking of ways I could get in my own way in this respect, I’m mostly just worried about making a fool of myself.

I’m going to smile uncomfortably while speaking.giphy

I’m going to cry during someone else’s share and try to hide it.giphy (1)

I’m going to want to hug a stranger, but will ask first.giphy (2)

Can I bring doughnuts? Not just for myself, but for everyone.

giphy (6)

I’m going to fight feeling terrible about my pathetic story after hearing someone’s really powerful one.

giphy (3)

I’m going to be self-conscious talking about suicide with my husband in the room.giphy (4)

I’m going to want to flake out and not attend one, or multiple nights, but I’ll go anyway.giphy (5)

It’s going to be aggravating, embarrassing and painful, but no matter how much awkward or how much derp I am, it has to work.

More reactions to everyday sexism

Standard

I just returned from an interview as part of my job as a reporter, to which I’d decided to walk, because it was only a 10-minute walk and it’s spring. But of course, I experienced what I was raised to expect and tolerate; assholes.

In a short 10-minute walk, I experienced an entire list of things that are way too common for anyone to have asked for it.

1.When you feel like you HAVE to say hi to a guy when they say hi to you, even when they definitely aren’t making eye contact.

foff

2. When you can feel your skin crawl while some old guy who probably has children stares at you.

ew

3. When you start to question your definitely-not-come-hither outfit just because some pervert hooted at you.

lookaway

4. When you Google Maps directions to walk somewhere, and rethink going because the directions take you off heavily-trafficked streets.

shit

5. When you make the conscious decision not to make eye contact with anyone, because that may be too inviting.

mommydearest

6. When you’re walking down the street alone, in broad daylight, but still feel the need to walk  closer to another person so you aren’t singled out… again.

meangirls.gif

7. When you’re relieved to see other women.

thankgod.gif

8. When you have to clench your fist not to flip a cat caller off because you’re alone, and he’s a man.

hateyou.gif

9. When you realize part of the reason you loved this haircut was because you thought it wouldn’t attract pigs, and you were wrong.

comeon

10. When you realize the moment you get back to work/home/a familiar place that you were clenching your teeth the entire time you were outside.

stressed

6 amusing things about depression

Standard

In honor of stopping my pills and feeling semi-normal for the first time in a while, here are the things I’ve just embraced about depression, and even find somewhat amusing.

When you know you’re only getting compliments because people don’t know how else to talk to you.

awkward

When your mom says “your self esteem” in reference to your mental illness.

nope

When someone tries to talk to you while you’re working through an anxiety attack.

cry

“How are you doing?”

dunno

When someone can relate to your brain.

friends

When you finally relax and your body handles it by twitching.

cool

10 times I realized I’m Dee Reynolds

Standard

1. When I start to think about planning a honeymoon.

anigif_enhanced-27536-1417050654-7

2. The morning after I test my new wine glass that claims to be able to hold a bottle of wine… and it wasn’t lying.

tumblr_mso4a1RrQR1spdmg3o1_250

3. That time I ordered a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and they forgot the cheese.

It-s-Always-Sunny-in-Philadelphia-8x08-its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-32947654-500-200

4. Every time Beyonce comes on.

tumblr_mn15a2ealT1qza02eo1_400

5. When I get paid and automatically have to pay my loans.

tumblr_n7mhe4o9yr1tu7965o1_500

6. When someone reminds me of my soft voice/quiet tendencies.

9MNXv_s-200x150

7. “When are you going to have kids?”

tumblr_inline_mwfo0aqf261qiw26m

8. When my husband tries to talk to me before I’m ready to wake up.

tumblr_n3m1erzkFr1sjbapyo2_r2_250

9. When my friends and I go to Target.

tumblr_ltujsjrLUI1qz9ebq

10. When I try to drink like I used to in college.

anigif_enhanced-mid-2710-1421186853-4

Things I now know

Standard

One thing I already knew: I’m sort of a feminist. Well, not just sort of, but kinda really. I tend to get pretty gung-ho about it, and about what it represents. Equality. Among everyone. I know, what nerve I have, right?

One thing I wasn’t completely cognizant of: I’m pretty soft spoken. Literally. I have a very soft voice and it takes quite a bit of effort to reach any sort of volume. People have suggested this in a subtle way my entire life, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized my voice not only helps me come across as the kind and understanding person I am about 40 percent of the time, but it also makes it difficult to take me seriously. For instance, it’s come to my attention that when I get worked up about something and use choice swear words, that it sounds like Mickey Mouse with Tourette syndrome.

giphy

You can imagine this can be problematic as a kinda really gung-ho feminist journalist who has things to do and people to talk to.

Exhibit A

One thing you should know: I and my work-colleague-slash-work-friend run a health and fitness initiative at our newspaper, and just ended a summer of fitness classes held once a week. She has a soft and squeaky voice, too. We commiserate.

A story you definitely do not know, and I’m now telling you: A couple weeks ago, we held our second-to-last class in the city square. It was a wonderful concept; we were going to hold a yoga class with our usual attendees and attract passersby who normally wouldn’t be able to make it to the newspaper building to participate in the square.

Looking back, I have to admit. That was a pretty idyllic concept that considered no consequences or assholes.

Because that’s what happened. Assholes. They happened.

Maybe I’m naive. Actually, as jaded as I can be most of the time, there’s still a large portion of me who’s naive and likes to think that everyone at Starbucks will just give you the drink if you don’t have the 50 cents to complete the purchase.

tumblr_m2v194LGBv1qii6tmo1_250

Anyway, to no one’s surprise but our own, it wasn’t long before the all-female group of yogis was receiving cat calls and honks and stares from not only males but females as well.

My partner and I were immediately enraged. She had taken the time to get a permit for the time we were there, and we felt that if this were a bunch of men practicing yoga, the reaction would not be nearly as crazy. But beyond that, we just wanted to allow people to do some yoga in the space we’d paid for in peace, dammit.

Another thing you don’t know: The city square is surrounded by benches.

These benches, no surprise, are public just as the square is public. So people were occupying these benches while we were occupying the square.

But I’ll be real with you, it was men who were occupying these benches, and they were mostly smoking, and staring at the yogis.

For the most part, they didn’t stay longer than a cigarette before they moved on, and while it annoyed the ever loving out of me and my partner, we let it slide. Because, ya know, we had to – we were in a public space.

And then this guy comes over; he was unkempt, he was stumbling and he had a sandwich and plastic cup filled with what I hope in my naive heart of hearts was simply water.

I completely understand that it sounds like I was profiling this man. But that’s only because he made it all too easy when he sat on the bench directly behind the group of yogis and began checking out their profile during their downward dog.

My partner saw this and said something to the effect of, “Do you think he’s doing that on purpose?”

To which I responded something to the effect of, “Yeah.”

One thing you should know: I’ve struggled with confrontation my whole life. I don’t like it, and when I finally muster up the courage to make a confrontation, it’s usually the result of pent up frustration, blown out of proportion and I end up telling myself something to the effect of, “Well, I’m never doing that again.”

i dont work right

This instance, to my terror, was not like that.

This instance was completely justified. We watched, for about 10 minutes, as this man gnawed on his sandwich in a teetered position on the bench, as if trying to take in the full scope of the yogis and their yoga efforts.

The mood to that point among the yogis was that of slight amusement and of an eye-rolling, high-road mentality. It was impressive, as I could not imagine taking the high road as a jerk burned a hole through my bum while I was in the warrior pose.

My partner said something like, “I want to say something to him. We have a permit to be here, and he’s kind of disturbing that.”

And I said something like, “Yeah.”

I may have used a swear word, as she got the impression that I felt pretty strongly about this.

“Do you want to say something?” She asked.

I looked at the permit, not entirely sure that just because we had this in our possession that it meant we had full reign over the entire – public – square. And then I looked at the grody guy on the bench who continued leering at the yogis as he mashed that sandwich in his mouth.

I took the permit, took in a breath and said something like, “Yup.”

So I walked over, observing this guy a little more. He had ear buds in, so I was probably going to have to speak up.

“Excuse me,” I probably said. “We have a permit-”

“What?” He kind of yelled.

“We have a permit and-”

“Oh, no, I’m allowed to sit here. I’m not moving,” he said.

OK, I thought. He’s in a public space. But…

“You’re making my people uncomfortable,” I said. I used the word “people,” mostly because I was flustered and had no idea how else to refer to them, but also because I felt they were my people. My people are those who expect to be able to do things in life without being objectified or made to feel inferior. So there.

“I’m just looking. I’m allowed to look. This is a public space,” he said.

OK, I thought. He’s right. But…

“Listen,” I said. Keep in mind my squeak. “We paid for our time to be here, and you’re making my people uncomfortable. You need to respect them.”

He rolled his eyes and kind of snarled in disgust. I could see some of his sandwich. And lack of teeth.

“Go away,” he said.

OK, I said to myself. You lose. Go away.

I almost did, and then the pent up frustration happened. I completely forgot that I was representing the company I worked for, and that I was a leader who was supposed to do things like be respectful and take the high road. I was mad, and that was all.

“Just respect my f—ing people,” I said. And then I walked away with my heart in my throat.

He left a little bit later.

One thing you should know: I didn’t tell my partner I said that. I didn’t tell anyone I said that. I was – and am – terrified that I made a poor decision in that instance.

Nonetheless, I stand by it.

What I now know: As a leader, and as a human, I believe it’s important to hold others to the standard I hold myself. And that’s to respect others. That’s it. And I believe both myself and the yogis were being not only disrespected, but also objectified and treated as inferior during the time we were in that city square.

And you don’t do that. Just don’t.

tumblr_ly27264j6v1qh2o7zo1_r1_250

We need to talk about mental disorders

Standard

Remember when you were younger, and your friend broke his/her (insert limb here)? Remember all the attention they got, and how many people wanted to sign their cast or carry their backpack? Also, remember that really demented part of you who kind of wanted to break a bone just to get a cast for people to sign, and for someone to offer to carry your backpack?

Maybe that was just me, but I’m pretty sure there was a “Wonder Years” episode or something that affirmed my feelings about this enough that I thought everyone thought like this at a young age.

Anyway, I feel like there’s a feeling similar to this going around with my peers regarding mental disorders. I’m talking about disorders like anxiety, OCD, depression, etc.

These disorders are talked about a lot (see posts like this and this), which is fantastic, because there’s no reason we shouldn’t be educated and talking about them, and hopefully this leads to us talking about more taboo illnesses and what we as a community can do to help those suffering with them.

However, I don’t think posts like those I linked to above have been doing a very good job of expressing just how serious these disorders, which have become so mainstream in our vocabulary (“I have really bad anxiety today,” or “He’s so OCD about this.”) really are. They’ve become a topic we as a society are getting comfortable with talking about, which both comforts me and scares me at the same time.

It comforts and scares me because I was recently diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

Anxiety wasn’t a surprise to me. Ask my fiance. I’d been sending him links for months, saying, “No, really, I think I have this.” I was half-serious, thinking I was just a tense and easily stressed person. Everyone has their quirks and pet peeves.

But when your boss suggests you talk to someone, and your counselor diagnoses you, and you realize there’s a reason you don’t sleep, and you realize there’s a reason you want to hurt yourself… things get real. Fast.

So it’s comforting to see posts I can relate to, and it’s comforting not to feel alone. But it’s terrifying to think there are people out there who don’t have the illnesses they’re claiming, when I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. And it’s terrifying to think there are people who have these illnesses, but aren’t doing anything about it.

Now, I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. No one’s saying you have something that you don’t, but if you think you do, do something about it. Because here’s the thing – actually having a disorder and going through the steps to help it is f**king lonely, and it’s scary. It’s not a trendy topic to ogle. Don’t let yourself feel that way, because there are a ton of people in the same position as you.

It’s not easy or fun to talk about, but if we start recognizing these illnesses and disorders as something serious, we can start doing something about them. Honesty’s the best policy, as usual, and ignoring these conditions, as with anything, is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself and others.

*Mic drop*2og0PwG

‘Just One Day’: The story of Blayne

Standard

Bridget Jones once said, “I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway; with or without a fireman’s pole.”

bridget

And while I am fully aware of better literature out in the world, I’ve never been able to find a more fitting quote for my life.

This is mainly because my life has a built-in system of making sure I don’t get anywhere without realizing it’s probably a miracle I got there alive. And when I say “get anywhere,” I don’t mean simply traveling, but accomplishing things in life as well.

Oh, sure, you might say. I trip over my own feet, too, sometimes. Sometimes I’ll dribble a little bit of food on my chin when trying to eat quietly in the office as well.

That’s cute. That’s the first 30 minutes of my morning alone, and I normally don’t consume food until lunch. So what does that tell you?

real life

I’m that person who doesn’t realize she shouldn’t have put her wool skirt through the dryer until she’s trying to hide under her desk the fact that she’s stapling her slip together so it doesn’t show.

I’m that person who chokes a little bit on her coffee, and ends up snotting everywhere.

You trip sometimes? Several times a day, I put on a production similar to a newborn giraffe biffing it for the first time. You can’t count on Old Faithful the way you can count on me eating the sidewalk.

giraffe

Hardly a day goes by in which I wouldn’t prefer to use one of those talking keyboards instead of subjecting everyone I interact with to my mush-mouth. I just want one day where my mouth doesn’t work faster than my brain, and something intelligible – not funny or witty, just understandable – comes out.

giphy

I’d like to keep it together for just one day, so that my fiance can see me as this super smooth, mysterious lady, instead of sending me texts like, “Were you in a hurry today? Clothes next to the toilet. Toilet not flushed.” And all I can respond with in hopes that he’ll somehow still find me attractive is, “I swear I’m not an animal.”

ashamed

If the rest of the world can just realize how truly blessed they are to be in control of their life and body, it’d make me feel so much better when I’m just trying to get in my pants without falling over.

jennifer-lawrence-gif-2