I’ve grown up way too fast since graduating


It was a year ago that I graduated from college, and in that time I’ve moved across the country twice, moved in with my significant other, had two jobs, been promoted, gotten engaged to said significant other and have started noticing just how important moisturizer is to the skin underneath my eyes… because it’s begun to wrinkle. I’m basically a shar pei underneath my eyes now.


But beyond wrinkles, doing all this stuff in so little time has caused me to age mentally by, like, at least 15 years. It’s most noticeable when I’m interacting with fellow post-grads. Between the lingo that I’ve lost track of, and the energy I’ve lost altogether, I’m no longer a peer. I’m pretty much that aunt on Facebook who still capitalizes “lol” and shares the same eCards that were popular six years ago (I don’t capitalize “lol.” I don’t even use “lol,” because rarely do I “laugh out loud.” That’s just false advertising. You don’t laugh out loud when I ask you what you’re up to, and you say “nothing lol.” You’re lol’ing like everyone was brb’ing back in 1999. Nobody ever just brb’d. They left. They were gone. The latest “Friends” episode was clearly more important than making plans to see “Fight Club” before it left theaters.).

...Because you won't be.

…Because you won’t be.

1. Going out to the bar after work is a fantasy that likely will never happen. Not unless we gain 10 more hours the next time we set our clocks back for daylight saving time. I can’t just pick up a Red Bull and throw on my hooker boots anymore. I need a nap, a DD and a Subway sandwich as insurance for my laughably low tolerance.


2. When you use this week’s random new millenial phrase, such as “on fleek” or “bae,” I make this face:


3. I have no idea which reality shows are now on MTV. I gave up when “Teen Mom” just inspired more teens to become moms.


4. When I see minors (that’s another thing, I say “minors”) doing things they shouldn’t, I often say to myself, “Where is your mother?” I revel in the thought of taking those teens by the ears, taking them home to their mothers and having those mothers say, “Thank you, responsible twenty-something who acts at least 15 years older than she really is. I hope this child turns out to be just like you.”


But, hey, here’s to being young.