Wedding things that I just don’t understand

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I’m ecstatic to be marrying my person, but there are several things about the wedding itself that are so hyped up, and I can’t wrap my head around why.

1. The date. “Have you set a date?” What is so important about when we’re getting married? Sure, it’ll be the best day ever for us, and the excitement is appreciated, but why is this so important to the rest of the world that it’s the first question from absolutely everyone? Is there this secret pot of gold I’m not aware of that some wizard will give you if you pick the right date? Are we entered as possible tributes for the Hunger Games based on that date? Is there a free cheeseburger involved at all? Because that, actually, would be fabulous, and is information that I need beforehand.

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2. The dress. This has to be the most archaic, sexist obsession I’ve ever been ashamed to be a part of. I have yet to hear anyone ask my fiance if he’s found his tux, how many he tried on, if it’s strapless, etc. If people knew how uninterested I was in finding the perfect dress compared to most brides, they’d have a kiniption the likes of which Britney Spears only grazed back in 2007. I came this close to wearing a white maxi dress and calling it a day.

4318795a-b9bc-4920-8c0a-df2fc6f25ef13. The food. Did you catch the cheeseburger comment above? That is what I want. If we could all meet at a diner after the ceremony, with milkshakes, that’d be the dream. But apparently, everyone wants to be fed chicken or beef, and cake. Ya know, whatever works.

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4. Centerpieces. I have had/been responsible for several tables in my life, believe it or not. Centerpieces? I dunno, put a lamp on it. This is one of those things that makes me appreciate having several more experienced women involved in the planning, because they let me know that not only are lamps a fire hazard, with wires and whatnot, but also that at this modern-day wedding, lighting will not be a problem.

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I’m only in the early stages of planning this thing, but I have a hunch that there will be several other instances where I’m not as concerned as I probably should be, and I have to just smile, shake my head enthusiastically and say, “Yeah, if someone messes that up, I’m gonna lose it.”

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Top five things I think while driving in the snow

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1. Where’d the road go? Am I still on it? I can’t tell if that’s the dotted white line, or if that’s just more snow. I am so glad I’m driving alone right now.

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2. What if I die? I hope the last text I sent out was nice and not something like, “I am going in on that cake tonight.”

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3. To the car infront of me: Alright, we don’t need to drive that slow. You’re in an SUV and you’re going 5 mph right now. Stop. You need to go home and tell your mom what you did.

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4. I’m just going to keep talking to myself, because it makes me feel better. “It’s OK. You’ve got this. Just a little bit further. Almost done. It’s OK. You won’t die.”

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5. All the wine. If I make it home, I’m drinking all the wine tonight.

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