In a week and a half, I’ll have been trolling the Earth for 24 years, and in all that time (this is a total joke, I’m still basically a fetus), I’ve learned a couple things. And it’s your lucky day, because I’m going to share them with you. On dating: It’s completely pointless until you can spend your own money and make your own rules. My children will not do it until they’re 40. On saying no: Doesn’t matter what it’s in response to; “Want to wear a side ponytail?” “No.” “I just met you, and I’m not a paid bartender. Want to try this drink I made?” “No.” “Want to go on a blind date in the 21st century?” “No.” Don’t be ashamed to say it, no matter what anyone says about you. On saying yes: Not everything will result in death; “Hey work friend, wanna get a drink around a lot of people after work?” “Yes.” “Here, take a cheeseburger.” “Yes.” “You’re pretty uncoordinated, but let’s go ice skating anyway.” “Yes.” Sometimes it’s OK to go outside of your comfort zone, and potentially break your tail bone. On breaking up: Whether it’s with friends or significant others (but especially with friends), just stick to it. There’s clearly a reason you thought to do it in the first place, so don’t be a flake. That just makes both of you crazy. On tight clothes: There’s form-fitting, and then there’s a sausage casing. Know your limits. On toilet paper: You can never have too much toilet paper. Take a look around your place and note all the things you can’t use in the place of toilet paper. Buy it. All of it. On makeup: Less is always more. That smokey eye can get disastrous pretty fast. And you should always be able to find your eyelids after applying eyeliner. On mean people: You will be amazed at how good you feel if you just kill people with kindness. Don’t make the bug up someone else’s butt your bad day. That way, you can walk away knowing you didn’t do anything wrong. On your personality: Not everyone’s going to like it. That’s OK, it’s not their personality to like. Anywho, that’s some of what I have so far in life. The rest is about “i” coming before “e,” and shaving against the grain.
So, you know how I said I was in a rut? I’m not anymore. I’m actually losing my mind with absolute happiness, because in the last two weeks, I’ve gotten a fantastic promotion after only working here for a month…
… And then, the most amazing man in the whole entire world asked me to marry him, and I was like…
I cannot explain how ridiculously, overwhelmingly, mind-blowingly happy I am right now. I’ve had the goofiest smile on my face for three days now, and it’s not going away anytime soon. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, this job is everything I’ve ever wanted and combined it’s better than winning the lottery.
My hope is that everyone else has at least one day in which they are so stupidly happy that people randomly catch you smiling and it makes them smile (yes, that’s happened several times to me).
And that’s all.
For the first time in my life, I’m not sprinting to accomplish the next step. I’ve graduated college, moved out of my parents’ house, moved across a continent, moved back, gotten a great job, am in a stable relationship and have begun the life-long task of repaying my debt to society in the form of the most obnoxious school loans any sadist would admire, all in the same two pair of leggings.
I’m done. I did it. Uno. Yahtzee. Olly, olly oxen free (I just realized my kids won’t know what that means).
So now, I’ve started having these constant dreams about being pregnant, and giving birth and being in love with my spawn. But then I wake up, and if I so much as see a Pamper’s commercial I cringe and gag simultaneously.
“You have the weirdest case of baby fever,” my boyfriend said.
And now, I get to tell you why I hate the Huffington Post.
In a fit of boredom, because, you know, I’m done with everything, I decided to Google “pregnancy dreams meaning.” No, I’m not proud to admit that I did this. The shame is just, like, ridiculous.
One of the first things that came up in the search results was a story from the Huffington Post, featuring an interview. With a psychic. About what dreams about pregnancy mean.
This is the same site from which so many of my Facebook friends are sharing “breaking news.”
People, if you’re getting your news from a site whose biggest accomplishment is its opinion tab, written by stay-at-home dads, you need to rethink your life choices.
CNN.com. That’s all the more I’ll say.
Anyway, after completely bypassing this story, the way I do all of the Huffington Post’s stories, I found in other results (because, really, is it possible to find a reputable source on decoding dreams?) which explained that dreaming about being pregnant and giving birth may be a sign that you’re missing something in life, or that you don’t have time for something you used to do. In general, it supposedly means that I need to find another way to spend my time that isn’t stuffing my face while watching “Gilmore Girls” on Netflix.
But thank God it’s not baby fever, ammiright?
So, if this is at all accurate, and I’m not just another sucker for a horoscope reading that says, “You’ll have to do something today,” then my subconscious is telling me I need more. I’ve just spent the last year of my life running all around the United States and validating myself as a human, and I need to do more with my life.
… I get it.
I told my boyfriend today that I couldn’t wait for this next year just to settle down and stabilize ourselves financially. I actually used that exact phrase– “stabilize ourselves financially.” I’m 23 years old. Just a year ago, I was drunk-yacking into a toilet, bawling my eyes out and telling my equally obliterated friend that I loved her. I was normal.
So, yeah, maybe I need something more to keep myself from mentally aging at warp-speed. But what? I’m not a novelist, or a sports fan, and I don’t have enough of an addictive personality to give heroin a real shot.
I see other people my age having real babies, not just dream-babies, and getting married, but I’m not ready for that. First of all, you need money to do either of those, and also, just a year ago I was drunk-yacking and thinking about skipping class (but not actually doing it, Mom). How can I have a baby when I am a baby, without any money? I am a giant lady-child who needs a hobby that isn’t making other people.