Things I’d like the daughter I don’t have to know

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Maybe it’s the nostalgia of not going back to college this year, or maybe it’s the fact that I can’t get my hair to do what I want anymore, but in either case, I’ve been thinking about things I’d like to teach my future (way future) daughter, in hopes that she’ll try to make her life as simple and happy as that of Cory Matthews in “Boy Meets World.”

1. Do NOT cut your own hair. It’s going to be tempting. You’re going to be reading your “Tiger Beat” and see these bangs that look so simple, but then BAM– I’m taking you to the hairdresser to get you a bowl cut when all you had to do was ask the nice lady with the degree to give you those fancy bangs in the first place. Just wait.

haircut

2. You’re going to make plenty of compromises in your lifetime, you should not be one of them. Like what you want to like, wear what you want to wear (except for that mentioned in upcoming advise) and be who you want to be. The people who matter will like you no matter what. And not just your mom and dad, but the weird people you make friends with, too.

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3. Cleavage is never the answer to being attractive. Cardigans are cute, especially when they cover up everything below the neck. I bet you’ll pull off a turtle neck wonderfully. But seriously, the buttheads who tell you you’re hot because your boobs are out, are telling that to plenty of other girls with their boobs out, and they’re going to be asking their parents for date money until they’re 40.

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4. Sometimes, the people who make you feel bad about who you are, aren’t everything they make you think they are. Do you get what I’m saying? Those people who have it all together when you’re younger and are always showing off the better things they have, but can’t decide what they want to do with their lives and never leave home? Don’t you worry about them. You’re only a thought and you’re doing more with your life than those kids.

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5. There are many things in life you have to wait for, but don’t wait for everything to happen to you. You have to wait for your father to let you date (when you’re 30), you have to wait for your prom and you have to wait for your college acceptance letter. You should never wait for the right time to do the things that only you can decide to do. Don’t ever wait to introduce yourself, to better educate yourself, to go outside your comfort zone and see if you succeed. Don’t ever be afraid to try, or to do something when you’re ready just because the rest of the world isn’t. I’m going to cry either way.

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6. You will not date a boy when you’re in high school. You’re going to hate me for this, but boys that age are gross. And you won’t see that until after college. But really, they’re disgusting.

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7. Finally (for now), you’re allowed to hate me. You can hate me all you want, and I’ll always listen, and tell you why you’re not allowed, you’re wrong and you’re not old enough. But I’ll always listen beforehand. You’re a person, not a plant.

coolmom

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Things I can’t do now that I’ve graduated college

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I may be 23 and a college graduate, but every single time those commercials come on with the dancing binders and all the cues that people need to get their lives back together again, I get so excited. In grade school, it meant getting new clothes and school supplies (honestly, I was more excited for school supplies), and in college, it meant new school supplies and a premeditated hatred for a class based on its syllabus.

Now, it means putting on a jacket before going to work.

Knowing that I’m officially done with having nothing to do on a Tuesday except sit at a desk and fantasize about what I’m going to eat after class has me missing certain things about college.

1. There’s no more hype about hitting the town hard on our first night back at college.

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2. It is no longer acceptable for me to spread all my new folders and binders on my floor and spend several hours deciding how I want to color code them with my classes.

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3. Those three-hour naps I used to take after my noon class, with Sex and the City on low volume and the promise of Subway when I woke up, those will never happen again.

 

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4. The “I just rolled out of bed in my sweatpants and baseball t-shirt” look doesn’t fly in the work place, even on the West Coast. And actually, even in public it isn’t completely acceptable. When you do that after college, you’re kind of on the same playing field as those people who wear onesies to Walmart.

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5. You can’t “skip” work the way you’d “skip” class. Even if you email your boss that morning, even if your tummy hurts, even if there’s a fire, because you’re getting paid.

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6.  And finally, once you walk across the stage, you lose all ability to party, or stay up later than 10 p.m. on a weeknight. You have to work in the morning, you’re an adult.

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Reasons I broke up with makeup

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After enduring one of the worst sunburns known to man a little over a week ago, I decided to do away with makeup for a while. Since then, I’ve been coming up with excuses to continue discontinuing the stuff.

Excuse No. 1: If I get a pimple that desperately needs covered up, chances are that makeup is not strong enough to get the job done.

ewExcuse No. 2: I prefer to spend more time sleeping, instead of using that valuable time putting on stuff I’ll just have to scrub off.

likedisExcuse No. 3: That one model that one football player is married to–she was in The Devil Wears Prada–once said that she rarely wears makeup because she likes to let her skin breathe. And, I mean, for the sake of one’s health, I should probably just not wear makeup.

nomakeupExcuse No. 4: It is really annoying when I go to rub my eyes at work and I pull my hands away with crud all over them, and the stuff I meticulously put on my face now looks like I put it on in the dark with my feet.

man-makeup-gifExcuse No. 5: I can get really big bags under my eyes, but my thighs are so much bigger, and makeup can’t cover those up, so I’ll spend more time on those instead.

no gym