Will you be my friend?


i have no friends

Downside to moving to a place where no one knows you: You don’t know anyone either.

Here’s a list of people I’ve almost become friends with since moving here.

  1. My banking lady. She’s nice, she’s young, she dresses nice and she has two tiny dogs. She’s the perfect package. Only thing is– she’s my banking lady. I don’t know why, but that just doesn’t seem right. I’d feel like she was keeping track of my checking account balance while we were at the bar. I’d try to buy her a drink and she’d be like, “No, it’s cool, really. You can’t afford it.”
  2. A state official. She’s old, but she’s feisty. She calls once a week, but that’s because she has an obligation to the press. She likes my writing too. But… she’s old. I can’t take that to the bar. That just wouldn’t be fair.
  3. An old man. I met him at a meeting for a town group. He’s funny, he doesn’t take flack, he knows how to spell my name and he called me “a beautiful young lady,” and let’s be real, that’s all that matters. But… he’s old. I can’t take that to the bar. That just wouldn’t be fair.

And really, outside of work, all I’ve wanted to do to this point is just watch “Orange Is The New Black” and pig out on cheap potato chips before passing out for the night.



I should put an ad out, but I can’t put one in my own paper, because I can’t seem any sadder of a person than I probably already do to the entire staff. Today I ate a pizza sandwich… in my office… by myself… with a pizza sandwich. That’s two pieces of pizza. Put together. To make a sandwich. Made of pizza.

all by myself


It’s only been three weeks, right? It’ll get better, right? I’ll eventually be able to stay up later and go find myself a sassy friend at the farmer’s market some weekend. Is that how you make friends? I don’t know, other than supporting local businesses, I can’t see what else a farmer’s market would be good for. I’ll try there.



Thanks, boyfriend


The past two weeks, since my boyfriend and I have moved in together, he has loved me despite the following:

1. How genuinely angry I get when something keeps me from eating at the exact time I’d planned upon learning that there was food in the vicinity. Today, he picked up Pizza Hut, and because I was expecting to eat the moment I stepped through the door, I was immediately hangry (hungry + angry) when I not only found out that I had to wash a dish to eat the pizza on (“Well, can’t we just eat it out of the box?”), but that the pizza was also too hot for me to put it on my plate with my fingers.


2. That I finish a conversation I was having in my head by asking him a question without context

(Me: Do you think Eric ever got married?

Him: Eric who?

Me:  From ‘Boy Meets World.’).


3. That I clean things despite his hatred for the smell of “bleach.” Which is really just ammonia. Which is really the way clean things smell. Which is unavoidable, unless you don’t clean.


4. That I wake up an hour-and-a-half early to get ready for work when it only takes me half-an-hour to get ready, and I spend the next hour nagging him to wake up, and he acts like he has no idea where he is.


5. That I make him go on walks on the beach after Sunday night wrestling, when he’s ready to be a blob on the couch.


6. That I say I’m not tired and that I don’t want to go to bed after I’ve already fallen asleep on the couch to “Golden Girls.”


7. That I kiss him a million times when he finally wakes up, that I tell him I love him five times before we leave for work in the morning, that I thank him about 16,890,982,543 times every day for doing this with me and being so patient and sweet. He’s everything anyone could ever want in a partner, and I am so ridiculously lucky.