We Need to Talk…



I’m leaving this institution and this state in a couple weeks, so I’m going to get several things off my chest. Are they a little dorky and borderline neurotic? Sure. But you don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, OK?

1. Do NOT show up 15 minutes late to a class that only lasts 45 minutes. Just stay home and pretend you have respect for the professor. I realize you’re simply late to class, and not a fascist dictator, so you shouldn’t be chastised. But actually, you should. What would your mother say? I want to record you strolling in and looking at people like, “What?” and email it to your mother with the subject “LOOK WHAT THEY DID.”


2. Do your work! Just do it! Don’t come to a class (probably late) in which you have to turn in work, or contribute in some manner, and say, “I didn’t do it” when asked to ante up. You are a grown-ass person who’s made it–SOMEHOW–to college. Just do your work, and then it’ll be done, and then you will no longer be an idiot.


3. When someone holds the door open for you, say thank you! In this country, it’s considered polite to hold a door open for someone behind you, and the polite response to such an act is bleeping gratitude. Don’t just look at the person who waited for your ass to mosey over to the door as if it was their duty to God and their country to hold the door open specifically for you. Jerk.


4. Be nice to the lady making your food. Seriously. The attitudes I see toward the people in charge of feeding college students who should know better is embarrassing. Use “yes ma’am,” “no ma’am,” “yes, please,” “no, thank you” and just plain “thank you” throughout that entire interaction, or so help me God, I will lose it. You deserve every long black hair or missing piece of your order you get.


5. DO NOT go on a social networking rant if you cannot use proper grammar. I mean it. If you don’t know how to use there/their/they’re, to/too, effect/affect, commas or punctuation, just keep to yourself and let the big kids take care of things. You must have thought you were a real cool S.O.B. in school with your faux-hawk, frosted tips or racist clothing brand, but in this day and age the nerds are in charge, and you’re just a dummy with too much gel in his hair and incorrect tattoos.

I’m done.



Unproductive Senior Things I Need to Just Do Already



I was feeling all “get me out of here” until I read “An Open Letter to the Class of 2014,” and then I just wanted to curl up with a margarita pitcher and cry for my lost childhood.

And then I realized that all I’ve done this semester is try to get out of here; get a job, get a place to live, get a diploma, get a cap and gown, get my graduation application approved and get across the stage without falling on my face.

But there are SO MANY things I haven’t done in the midst of getting ready, getting set and going.

1. I need to try a Bloody Mary.

bloodymary2. I need to share a pitcher of Bloody Mary with my friends in comfy clothes and just gab until we pass out.

tinafey3. I need to take one night and not worry about what time it is, or what time I have to wake up in the morning.

dumbledore4. I need to make frozen yogurt a closer, more personal friend.


5. I HAVE to spend more time than just once a week with my friends.


6. I need to take more naps.


7. Finally, I have to wear more embarrassing sweatpants and baseball caps together. Not yoga pants, but those big old sweatpants that make you look like you should be on the interstate with a sign that says something like, “My dog needs a wheel for his bum leg.”



I’m Moving in with a Man


MeanGirls1In a month, I’ll be across the country, in a place where no one knows who I am… except for the man I’m moving there with. Some days this is a comfort. Some days, I think about my drawer of chocolate and how angry I get when it’s empty, and panic that another human being will be susceptible to the Hulk-like outrage.

I just need to wrap my head around a few things:

1. When we fight, I won’t be able to stomp out and go back to my place. I can stomp out, but at some point I’ll have to saunter back, because now my place will be “our place.”


2. As an extension of No. 1, I’ll have to share the TV fairly. Sports will be inescapable. “Extreme Cheapskates” will make its way into my home, because now it’s “our home.”


3. I have to find friends other than him in order to maintain my sanity, and to make sure he and I will have something to talk about during commercials when “Extreme Cheapskates” is on.


4. This man will rely on my cooking skills to survive. So I need to master something other than omelets, boxed mashed potatoes, sautéed mushrooms and blender-less milkshakes.



It’ll work out somehow. It’s just going to take some getting used to… and a white-board calendar to map out our TV schedules.