Loser Alert: I’m Not Cool, and I Love it

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I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of pretending boogers don’t just randomly fall out of my nose when I talk to people (sometimes). From now on, I’m going to do what I used to wish I had the confidence to do.

1. I’m going to start wearing what makes me comfortable. These moccasins don’t go with my leather jacket? Too bad. They both make me happy and my mom says you’re just jealous. And that outfit idea I’ve been mulling over, the cocktail dress with the flannel over top? It’s happening.

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2. I’m going to eat a cheeseburger every day. I’ll probably even carry one around, or walk around nibbling on a burger like I’m just sipping from a smoothie. Salads are for birds, and I have to put entirely too much dressing on them to get through it anyway.

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3. I’m done apologizing for speaking like I don’t know words. I know words, I know lots and lots of words. And just because I can’t put them together correctly sometimes when I want them to come out of my mouth, doesn’t mean I’m not smart. What’s your GPA? That’s what I thought.

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So, yeah. Things are going to get real around here. Look out.

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Signs that I Need to Graduate Already

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You know how people who have been in a stagnant environment that no longer presents a challenge for too long tend to become weird and borderline psychopath (I don’t use the P-word lightly, because no girl wants to be referred to as– or will admit to being– a psychopath)?

I didn’t understand how these people came to be until I entered my last semester of college. Here’s how I can tell…

1. The small world in my head is getting bigger, and I’m becoming less and less a part of reality. Example: Yesterday I was in Walmart, and found myself determined to get a carton of International Delight iced coffee to the point where it’s all I could think about. I was so consumed by my future with this caramel macchiato magic that when a man got in my way, instead of saying, “Pardon me,” all I could get out was a smile and, “Coffee.”

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2. My professors have picked up on the fact that I’m no longer doing them a favor when they call on me in class. They are the ones doing me a favor. They can see the desperation to be told I’m doing something right in my life. I just want to make someone proud. If I can’t win in a 300-level class in which all I have to do is raise my hand to get an A, what is life?

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3. Out of the four weeks of class we’ve had this semester, I’ve worn sweatpants to class… four weeks. I figure in a couple months I won’t be able to do this, whether I have a job or am desperately begging someone for one. This is probably the most depressing part about still being in college; being able to dress like a bum because you’re living off government funding and aren’t qualified to work in the career you want. People, we can dress like bums BECAUSE WE ARE BUMS. How do you feel about yourself now, hmm?

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GET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE.

Lies My Zumba Instructor and Taco Bell Told Me

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I do my work. I’m an honest person when it counts (and even when it doesn’t and I try to lie, it doesn’t work out. My face gives me away every time). So I don’t like when things that I love deceive me. In this case, Zumba and Taco Bell.

You’d think that the two wouldn’t go together, but when your life consists of Zumba on Thursdays and ladies night on Fridays, they actually play about as important a role as birth control.

But how could two of the purest things known to man possibly betray you, you ask? Let me break it down.

1. Staying in the back of the Zumba class does not make it a less embarrassing experience. Especially when the class takes place at the center of a track and is shared with a basketball and volleyball court. No portion of that class is safe.  You can’t hide from the instructor, or the beefy basketball players pretending not to scam on the 20 girls shimmying five feet away.

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2. Taco Bell really only has two buyers; drunks and people who eat like they’re drunk. Not the athlete you saw in the commercial. Not the swim team after practice. Not the soccer mom after she picks her kids up. You will honestly only ever see people who wish they were somewhere else, and your girlfriends post-ladies night rolling through the “South of the border.”

3. Also, Taco Bell’s food never, EVER looks as nice as in the commercials. McDonald’s might. Wendy’s has a pretty good chance. But let’s be real. Since most of the people who eat there are either in sweatpants or are rocking a broken heel, there’s a good chance they don’t care about how the food looks. There’s also a pretty good chance they won’t even look at the food before they inhale it (I am guilty of this).

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4. Most people cannot look sexy during Zumba. No matter how much you’re rolling your hips or popping your ‘donk, you’re more than likely doing it with pits, and backs, and butts, and boobs. The sweaty kind, not the fun kind. Zumba is war, and if you’re doing it right, you will not make it out of there without feeling like you just played a championship football game.

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5. It is a big deal when you’ve gotten through a Zumba class. You just danced your heart out and kept up with about 70 percent of the dance moves. It’s a ginormous feat, and don’t let any skinny girl tell you otherwise. You are impressive.

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Despite all this, I’m still going to both fairly regularly.